The Mysterious Package
by Crack-fics-oh-my
Summary: Crack!Fic. Terribly OOC. Harry is curious as to what Hermione is hiding. His efforts, however, lead him on a quest of broken love and many mishaps.


One day, Harry potter was eating an apple. When suddenly, Hermione jumped out from behind him holding a mysterious package.

"Ooh" squealed Harry, spitting apple everywhere "what's in the package?" "Oh, uh…nothing" Hermione said, blushing. "Is it for me?!" Harry made a run for Hermione's package.

"What do you think you're doing squirt?!" yelled a distraught Hermione. She was now standing on a chair, holding the package up high while Harry had put the apple in his pocket and started jumping to reach it. Harry dived at Hermione and her package but she ducked and Harry flew over her and hit his head on the nearest bin. "Please tell me what's in there!"

Hermione looked like she was considering this. "Uh… NO!" she said. But Harry was already formulating a plan! He stood up and brushed the dirt off him. He then faced Hermione; he looked behind her and pointed "look! A distraction!" he shouted and he grabbed the package when Hermione wasn't looking and ran for it.

Little did Harry know there really was a distraction! It was Snape in an ice-cream van. But Harry had more important things to attend to, such as find out Hermione's darkest secret. Harry found a lovely deserted rabbit hole, to open the package in, but he was soon interrupted and attacked by the hole owner.

While Harry was struggling with the rabbit, Hermione had forgotten about the package and was currently buying an ice-cream. Snape was so focused on being the ultimate waitress, that he momentarily forgot his hatred of Hermione. Meanwhile Harry was negotiating with the rabbit. Eventually after a heated discussion and many disagreements, Harry was finally opening the package with the rabbit tied up in the corner.

He unwrapped and unwrapped and the minute he took off the last bit of wrapping paper, his eyes lit up. It was a broken cricket bat! Harry's absolute favourite! "Wait a second" murmured Harry "... I think I've seen this before... it was at the Malfoy manor! How could Hermione steal something like that?"

Harry stormed over to Hermione, who was enjoying some strawberry ice cream with Snape.

"Hermione! What do you call this?" Hermione was in no mood to explain; also she had an ice cream to eat, so she ran for it.

"Hello! Would you like to buy some ice-cream?" asked Snape politely "we have a variety of flavours!" he then went on explaining the various types of flavours and flavours that should be ice-creams and so forth. Harry wasn't listening, he was staring at the corner Hermione had ran around twenty minutes ago before saying "... she ran away! She must be guilty" so Harry went after her leaving Snape to recite his opinions.

Harry searched the whole corner until coming to the conclusion that Hermione was not there. But he hadn't given up that easily...

Harry thought that little cricket bat must be getting very restless about being away from his loved ones for so long, so he decided that he should give it a few words of comfort.

"The poor old Malfoy must be worried sick about you!" he told it, "don't worry, we'll take you right back as soon as we find the culprit..."

He heard someone around the corner and decided it must be Hermione, back to cover the evidence... so he waited and when she came round the corner he crash-tackled her. Argh! Gerroff me!" said the person underneath him, surprised Harry stood up and realised he had just tackled a now, dusty looking Ron

"What are yah doing Harry?!" after realising that it was Ron, Harry got off him. "Oh, sorry about that..." Harry casually leaned on someone's fence to make himself look innocent, but Ron wasn't buying it, so he tried desperately to change the subject. "Have you seen Hermione anywhere?" err, yeah! She's just over there!" Harry looked over to where Ron was pointing; Hermione was eating pancakes at a little shop.

He walked over to Hermione and whispered in her ear "maple syrup goes well with that." Hermione jumped in surprise and her half-eaten pancakes landed in Harry's face. Harry wiped the pancakes off his glasses.

"I'm so sorry Harry!" while she pretended to comfort him, she was secretly destroying the evidence of her little package.

Meanwhile... the rabbit had managed to break the string that was binding him together by rubbing it against a sharp piece of rock... once free he followed Harry's footprints out of the hole

It followed poor unsuspecting Harry all the way to Malfoy manor, where he had convinced Hermione to apologise by saying "that was really naughty of you! Think of poor old Draco!" and she finally gave in just to shut Harry and his lectures up.

No matter how many times Hermione told Harry that it was a present to her sent in the mail as a gift of some kind, and she didn't know who it was from she found her and Harry knocking once again on the door to Malfoy manor

Harry shot Hermione continuous stern looks, but she was eventually saved by that hero door answerer. It was none other than Lucius Malfoy.

"Why hello fair enemies!" he said politely "and what may I do for you?"

"Good morning my good man!" said Harry happily, "Hermione had something she would like to tell you." he pushed Hermione towards the door; she stumbled and tripped over onto Lucius.

"If you were going to ask me on a date" said Lucius seductively "then I accept" he raised and lowered his eyebrows many times causing Hermione to shyly giggle

"Actually-" began Hermione but Harry cut across him, "of course that's why" said Harry, equally as seductively just as he remembered his secret desire to date Lucius.

"Oh!" said Lucius happily and let Hermione inside "just take a seat" he told her. And slammed the door in Harry's face

Harry wasn't too happy about this, he was sure it was only a joke though! Lucius was quite the jokester after all. He waited outside the door for half an hour waiting for the man he so desperately wanted and the girl he really wanted to get rid of.

He waited and waited until the rabbit showed up. He struggled with it until they both fell into a nearby bush

Lucius had clearly heard the crash and poked his head out the door to see what was going on, all he could see was a ball of fur and Harry's head sticked out every now and then. He didn't think anything of it. He took Hermione's hand and proceeded back inside.

Meanwhile, Ron had just bought a caramel ice cream and was sitting in Snape's ice-cream truck learning all the fancy gadgets

"-and this special little red one is for soft serve!" finished Snape. Ron was overwhelmed at this news. When Harry had finally fought off that pesky rabbit, he went back and knocked on the Malfoy's door.

This time Draco opened the door. "Hello" said Harry politely "is Mr Malfoy here?"

"I think he went down to the basement" replied Draco. Harry gasped! His Lucius was hitting it off with his friend! Harry pushed past Malfoy and ran to the basement door, where he accidentally missed a step and fell down the numerous stairs

He looked up to see Draco laughing his head off at him. Harry ignored him and brushed himself off. "Mr Malfoy! Hermione!"

But there was no one in there! Draco laughed once more and closed the basement door, leaving Harry in complete darkness. Harry ran back up the stairs and tried to open the door but it was locked, because Harry couldn't see he missed a step again and crashed down to the bottom of the stairs

He didn't know what to do with himself, seeing as he was locked in his enemies basement. So he decided now would be an excellent time to play snap. He rummaged through his robe pocket for a deck of cards. Suddenly he heard some giggling coming from behind a chest of drawers. Blindly searching through the darkness Harry banged his knee on something hard and cursed. Just then he tripped over a foot and landed on Hermione

"Potter! Get off my girlfriend!" exclaimed Lucius. Harry had only just realised where he was and hastily jumped off Hermione. "It's not what it looks like!" he yelled hysterically.

"Of course it's what it looks like!"

"No! You don't under- your GIRLFRIEND?!" Harry was astounded now "well I think you should assess all your options before you decide something like that!" Harry said and launched himself onto Lucius

Hermione was horrified. "Harry! Get off him!" she yelled

"Never!" responded Harry in between kisses.

Hermione grabbed Harry and pulled him off. But Lucius was still dazed. Hermione fell on top of Harry in the dark, and Harry, thinking it was Lucius, started kissing her.

Hermione couldn't tell the difference either, but she was quite happy for an excuse to start kissing again. Lucius didn't know where they were; he picked himself up and felt his way through the darkness until he tripped over an umbrella stand in the corner. All was going well for everyone but Lucius, until Hermione realised that the person she was kissing was wearing glasses.

Meanwhile the rabbit had just recovered from the fight and knocked on the door to Malfoy manor.

Draco once again answered and immediately understood, he led the rabbit through the manor and unlocked the door to the basement "there you go!" he said and re-locked the door once the bunny had gone inside.

From there he could hear many loud thumps as if someone had tripped on the stairs. The rabbit couldn't find his way around the basement any better than the rest of them. After a while of searching he found someone.

"Hermione, is that you?" said Lucius, feeling around again.

All Lucius could hear was growling about a metre in front of him and he immediately backed away.

"Hermione?" he said, scared. He once again tripped over the umbrella stand and got his foot stuck in it. The rabbit jumped on Lucius and he couldn't get back up because of that infernal umbrella stand. Meanwhile, Hermione was beginning to realise she wasn't kissing Lucius at all, and slapped Harry in the face.

Harry noticed that Lucius wouldn't slap Harry and he must be kissing Hermione, disgusted he got off Hermione and launched himself onto what he thought was Lucius but it was really Dean Thomas. Dean didn't know what was going on, but decided to play along. Finally, Hermione decided to smartly take out her wand. "Lumos", she said. Everything was clear now. Lucius was being beaten up by that tough rabbit and Harry and Dean kissing.

Meanwhile, Ron was having a trial period in the ice-cream truck with Snape marking how well he could deal with tough customers and serving the ice-cream into various forms.

"Here you go kind sir." he said, as he handed a chocolate ice-cream to a 3 year old girl. "Wow, Ronald! You're getting to be quite good at this!" said Snape as he jotted down some of Ron's results. "That just about covers it!"

Ron was very proud of himself.

"All you need to do now" Snape began "is to fix your gender issues! That's a boy" Snape said pointing to a kid walking past "and that's a girl"

Meanwhile...

Harry hadn't noticed but when Hermione was comforting him earlier she had swiped the broken cricket bat out of Harry's hands, and it was now currently lying on the pavement. Once Harry realised the bat was missing he bounded up the stairs and pounded on the locked door. Draco answered.

"Yes?" he asked

Harry went on to explain all about the poor cricket bat and how it must be getting dehydrated due to the hot sun and asked politely if he may go.

Draco couldn't help but worry about this poor cricket bat as well, so he nodded his approval, under the exception that he was kept under the watchful eye of his owl. Harry was in no mood to argue, and he had kissing to get back to, so he agreed to the conditions and rushed out the front door.

Annoyingly enough Draco's owl continually pecked Harry as he ran down the street.

Meanwhile Hermione was attempting to pull the vicious bunny off Lucius with no success

When she finally remembered she was a witch she took out her wand and said, "stupefy!" at last Lucius was free of the bunny. Harry returned about half an hour later carrying his beloved cricket bat, he stupidly re-entered the basement ready for another kiss, but everyone was waiting for explanations.

The poor bunny rabbit woke up to find himself once again tied up

As much as Harry tried to change the subject by laughing at the tied up bunny, the others weren't buying it. They were waiting for Harry's explanation as to why he had such an affair in those few minutes. "What's the deal, Harry?" said Hermione.

"Ok, I'll tell you the truth" Harry lied"…I'm an alien!" Immediately Dean Thomas screamed and dived into some boxes nearby.

Lucius went over to dean and the boxes to comfort him. "Try to keep it G rated, Harry!" said Lucius as he shook his head in disbelief.

Meanwhile...

Ron had the privilege to drive the ice-cream truck.

"Very good!" exclaimed Snape. "This calls for an ice-cream!" Ron was so excited; he dived out of the driver's seat while the car was moving.

The truck was going down a steep hill and heading toward the ocean... it drove down the dock and flew into the water "My ice-cream!" Snape wailed

"There, there!" said Ron as he moved in for a hug. But Snape wasn't in the mood, seen his business had just been destroyed. So he punched Ron and ran away crying.

Ron then attempted to pull the truck out of the water… he tried everything, pulling, pushing, driving… but nothing worked.

Meanwhile, Draco was in the kitchen fixing himself a sandwich. He was about to sit down and get comfortable when the doorbell rang. He went over and opened the door only to find Ginny standing there covered with slime.


End file.
